Sindy land

Ministry is an interesting subject...one that I am not sure I can flesh out in an email or even in an hour talk. I will try though. I have a great job here. I don't have to fight for much except with parents from time to time... i dislike most adults I have learned as they make life harder than it needs to be. (Me inculded) Ha ha! Its not a normal run you off your feet youth position... I work 40 hrs max a week usually. We have full youth once every two weeks, missions training running for 6 months on the opposite week and with nothing really in the summer except Creation Fest. Sounds nice huh?? And I am allowed to drink alcohol and show just about any movie I want. Its a different world I am living in thats for sure. They trust me immensely, they give me almost everything I ask for, I never have to ask for a raise, they put up with me emotions, I take time off and no one keeps track, I can drink alcohol and show any movie I want. The council asked for requests for extra money they have received. I put a bunch of suggests in thinking I would get one or two and they gave me all of them… its crazy. No one on council or staff is ever questioning me or asking for a list of how I spend my time… they paid for counseling for me. Every review I have had has been to encourage me and make sure I am happy. Now the ministry side of things is different but I am quite thankfully in awe of the job portion.


I m learning to not take things so seriously... failing miserably by the way. To allow kids the freedom to misbehave a little so they actually get a chance to live and not be pinned down by so many rules. To say is it really the end of the world if so and so falls into this or that... probably not... they'll learn the hard way just like me. My church is teaching me about the importance of living in grace and not morality, to look after the enviroment to be a witness, that social justice is as important as evangelism and that salvation is a today thing not just about eternity. Personally, I am finding that life is about simple trust in God, prayer, loving people and keeping it simple and fun-ish... not much else matters. My days of keeping myself insanely busy are over for now...it really doesn't matter if the database system is up to date or my filing is done or the youth closet is organized... spending good time with God and people is what brings me joy and the rests rarley gets noticed by anyone else. Acrually I prett much stopped doing lots of admin things and no one said a word. The best thing I have done for myself and others was to stop playing ministry like a business and live off this one question..."If Jesus had my life, my talents, my personality, etc what would he do with it?" It has wrecked me though... both in a good way and in a way that has me in perpetual struggle.

To be honest I am sort of bored of youth ministry... the fundraisers, the youth conferences, the parent's meeting, what should the small group discussions be about this year, fall camp planning, missions trips... its the same over and over. The challenge is waning for me. I question the effectiveness of all these things in my church. So much admin time for such a small amout of event time. Paying someone to look after the youth when the whole church should be investing in those little lives. So much run off talent and charisma.

Not to mention for a completely human view, I miss the days of being the one looking to the leader and having the fun. I would love to be out from under the microscope, not over worrying about negative comments made and not having youth ministry be the topic of all my face to face conversations.

Boy I sound whiny.... hee hee. I am not sure where all these feelings are going.... either I need an attitude adjustment... if so I am sure God's gentle kick in the backside is coming soon. Or I need a change of some sort.... I miss feeling really passionate about ministry and being a part of something that seems so big that only God could be doing it. I find church to be run mostly in man's strength and i miss the awe of watching the Holy Spirit doing wonderous things in a group of people. People hearing God ask them to do risky things and instead of oragnizing a committee to logically decline it.... just jump into obedience. I haven't been in a church enviroment fora long while that prays more than talking about desicions.... actually they rarely pray... mostly we just work. I miss spending hours praying with someone in need... waiting with them until God reveals something. I miss seeing people find real freedom not the kind they manufacture out of their own self will... true healing.

Wow this is sounding really depressing.... Really I am not. I am just longing... longing for more... more of something that is real and powerful. Does this make any sense? I often think I should take a break but then the next day something happens where I think I must be crazy to leave such a good job. Also I have no idea what else to do. I am not scared... if God told me to go.. I'd be gone. Actuallty i have tried a few times already but I am still here. So instead I wait... trusting God is orchestrating something grand no matter where it is. I'd would like to travel and laugh more... those are my only present goals other than be still and know He is God. Maybe I will end up being wild and give up my job to bum around europe as a nanny or something equally and gloriously dull. God knows.