This song brings me peace almost instantly. Here is the video link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TJyW55AXJAk
O How He Loves Us
He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.
And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us all
Yeah, He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves us,
Oh! how He loves.
We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way…
Monday, May 3, 2010
Friday, February 27, 2009
Trusting in the Silence and Pain
Over a month ago I had a dream that left my heart unsettled. Brought up mostly good things from the past that left nothing but question marks. I have been struggling with these thoughts for too long. I desperately trust God but He is so mysterious sometimes and it makes me wonder about our hearts desires, his desires and timing. Anyway this song and then following verse settled my heart enough to try to keep focus on Him. To put those big things in His hands and continue to learn to trust more... even if it only lasts for a few minutes.
I Believe In Love
By the Barlow Girls
How long will my prayers seem unanswered?
Is there still faith in me to reach the end?
I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith
But giving up would cost me everything
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
Though I can't see my stories ending
That doesn't mean the dark night has no end
It's only here that I find faith
And learn to trust the one who writes my days
So I'll stand in the pain and silence
And I'll speak to the dark night
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe
No dark can consume Light
No death greater than this life
We are not forgotten
Hope is found when we say
Even when He is silent
I believe in the sun even when it's not shining
I believe in love even when I don't feel it
And I believe in God even when He is silent
And I, I believe.
Luke 12:22-29 (The Message)
Steep Yourself in God-Reality
Steep Yourself in God-Reality
22-24He continued this subject with his disciples. "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more.
25-28"Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can't even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don't fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?
29-32"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
The Joy Of the Contemplative Life
Lately, I am experiencing true and overwhelming bursts of joy. This joy is not just from happy moments but a delight in what God is up to overall. It comes from living in the present as much as possible so that I can experience God's presence. As I do my gratitude has increased substantially and my desire for more lessens. The author Mark Yaconelli has really encouraged me into this space. Well actually his son's story (4 year old) actually started this life changing journey. It is worth the read so here is the link.
http://www.ymsp.org/resources/slowclub.html
Here are some quotes from his book Contemplative youth ministy that best describe what is going on within me...
"Contemplation means "being" with God within the reality of the present moment. Contemplation is about presence. It's about attentiveness - opening our eyes to God, ourselves and others. Contemplation is an attitude of the heart, an all embracing hospitality to what is. Contemplation is a natural human disposition. It's the way in which we appoached the world as children: vulnerable, open , and awake to the newness of the present moment.
We've all experienced being contemplatively present. Even as our adult minds become distracted and burdened with worry, we still receive times of contemplation, times of simple presence. These are unrehearsed moments when a deep sense of gratitude falls upon us and we find ourselves without need or want, satisfied and reverent at the Mystery of life. They are moments when we feel alive to people and situations before us. Like love, contemplative awareness is not something we acheive; rather it comes as a gift, simply to be received.
Ignatius of Loyola reffered to contemplation as "seeing God in all things." Brother Lawerence called it "the pure loving gaze that finds God everywhere." Jean Pierre de Causade defined contemplation as "the sacrament of the present moment." Teresa of Avila referred to this experience as "Awareness absorbed and amazed."
...These definitions of contemplation, I believe, are descriptions of how Jesus was present to others. He engaged people with openness and honesty, unafraid to take a "long loving look at the real" - at the people and situations he encountered."
The best part is God has always been nudging me into this sweet spot. Every year, my dry and weary body is dragged to someone that offers this contemplative drink but every year I have wandered away again. The past couple years God has kept me in it for longer and longer periods. This past year, I have not sucumbed to absolute burn out because of it. It is the key to life in my opinion. It is to be led by the Spirit, to rely on God's strength and to rest in stillness before the ONE.
I still have moments when I am distracted, start to falter and feel the stress and anxiety return. I have become so aware of the difference that it does not take long to stop what I am doing because I know something is wrong and refocus on God. Like Mark says " being aware of God in the present moment is always a struggle. We live a complex age that demands that we multi-task. We grow up trained to attend to many commitments at once. Our minds and imaginations often drift toward the future or dwell in the past. Yet is there any greater gift we experience in this life than that of another person's full attention? Is there anything more loving than to be fully see or heard by another? Didn't most of us become Christians when we sensed that God was present to us?"
I wish I was better at not getting distracted but I take encouragement from some wise words given to me from Amy..."i got real encouragement from psalm 23 again this weekend that just came to mind that may help... just concerning any kind of shadows in life...the message was about how they are always going to be there. and the object was not to get rid of them or try to control them (striving to figure out the unknown) but rather once again about looking to the shepherd that leads us to righteousness. and shadows always look and appear way bigger then they actually are...which is just a lie." It is all about seeing that He is God and I am not.
"The more we receive in silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us. All our words are useless unless they come from within. Words which do not give the Light of Christ increase the darkness." Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Purpose and Questions
Missions has been a large theme in my life lately... the last year and a bit. I feel the call to be more than someone who gets comfy in the church atmosphere... to not just find enough warm fuzzies from serving in the Christian community and feel like I am living out my grand purpose. I have been reading this book Live Life On Purpose by Claude Hickman. It is driving me nuts because some questions that I have been asking long term but have managed to file away because I have no answers. Well now they are published and staring at me in the face. Teasing me ... "we are not going away". Not only the book but there are all these people and situations that keep adding to the same itch. There is more to life than what I am living...
"I planned my life around the things that God was silent about instead of what He was clear about in his wrod. I was on the wrong path, not because the path was bad, but because God has designed me for another great journey. I resolved that to walk a"good" path, but not God's, was in end a wasted life. Many students I talk to are lcinging to old maps that they have for their lives... The maps are leading toward the destination of riches, security, fame, pleasure, status and the praise of men. The status quo of getting a job, getting married, having 2.5 kids, the picket fence, two cars, going to church on Sundays... it is not bad, but has little to do with the journey that God is laying out for us to join. For some, their map is even an old calling from God that they can't let go of. When you learn new facts about the world and new insights into how God is moving, you must be willing to hear a new calling from God and let him give you a new map... People get trapped by their maps. ...People begin to invest so much in the form of time and energy in their degrees, careers, advancements, and positions that there is no freedom to make a "full withdrawal". ... One reason we cling to our maps is the map is secure... we may have a great map but if it is the wrong destination, we lose in the end."
The other thing that has really been bothering me but I am so engrossed in because its apart of our culture is consumerism. It has plagued our churches... to the point that we church shop based on how much we like the preacher or music, how much we are entertained and meets our needs. Going to the 2/3 world... there is such a different picture of church community that sticks together no matter what and lives life together daily in a truer faith and dependance than I see here. So why are we going to them to do missions? Maybe we need them more.
Another thing that is bothering me is how eveything in church seems so much done in our own knowledge and skill and schedule. Where is room for the Supernatural? Are we being led by the Holy Spirit? I don't feel anyone encouraging or challenging me in this department. I am trying to challenge my youth but I am such a poor example. As it is so easy to lvie out what is being modelled.
Also I feel as challenged by our youth theme this year... Be The Change. If I expect my youth do this but how am I doing it first. I am not. Well maybe a littl but not to my potential. This isn't a not doing enough to earn my God's love guilt either but a deep desire for more than what i am living. There has to be more than this... but am I willing to go through the discipline and suffering that comes with more? So far as much as I want to say yes, the answer is obvious as i make little effort to increase my studies or get off the couche at night.
God help me!
"I planned my life around the things that God was silent about instead of what He was clear about in his wrod. I was on the wrong path, not because the path was bad, but because God has designed me for another great journey. I resolved that to walk a"good" path, but not God's, was in end a wasted life. Many students I talk to are lcinging to old maps that they have for their lives... The maps are leading toward the destination of riches, security, fame, pleasure, status and the praise of men. The status quo of getting a job, getting married, having 2.5 kids, the picket fence, two cars, going to church on Sundays... it is not bad, but has little to do with the journey that God is laying out for us to join. For some, their map is even an old calling from God that they can't let go of. When you learn new facts about the world and new insights into how God is moving, you must be willing to hear a new calling from God and let him give you a new map... People get trapped by their maps. ...People begin to invest so much in the form of time and energy in their degrees, careers, advancements, and positions that there is no freedom to make a "full withdrawal". ... One reason we cling to our maps is the map is secure... we may have a great map but if it is the wrong destination, we lose in the end."
The other thing that has really been bothering me but I am so engrossed in because its apart of our culture is consumerism. It has plagued our churches... to the point that we church shop based on how much we like the preacher or music, how much we are entertained and meets our needs. Going to the 2/3 world... there is such a different picture of church community that sticks together no matter what and lives life together daily in a truer faith and dependance than I see here. So why are we going to them to do missions? Maybe we need them more.
Another thing that is bothering me is how eveything in church seems so much done in our own knowledge and skill and schedule. Where is room for the Supernatural? Are we being led by the Holy Spirit? I don't feel anyone encouraging or challenging me in this department. I am trying to challenge my youth but I am such a poor example. As it is so easy to lvie out what is being modelled.
Also I feel as challenged by our youth theme this year... Be The Change. If I expect my youth do this but how am I doing it first. I am not. Well maybe a littl but not to my potential. This isn't a not doing enough to earn my God's love guilt either but a deep desire for more than what i am living. There has to be more than this... but am I willing to go through the discipline and suffering that comes with more? So far as much as I want to say yes, the answer is obvious as i make little effort to increase my studies or get off the couche at night.
God help me!
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Word from God Through Israel for me
Isaiah 41:8-13 (New Living Translation)
8 “But as for you, Israel my servant,
Jacob my chosen one,
descended from Abraham my friend,
9 I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
and will not throw you away.
10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
11 “See, all your angry enemies lie there,
confused and humiliated.
Anyone who opposes you will die
and come to nothing.
12 You will look in vain
for those who tried to conquer you.
Those who attack you
will come to nothing.
13 For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.
If you read this, please pray for me often and reguarily... just cause I always need it!
8 “But as for you, Israel my servant,
Jacob my chosen one,
descended from Abraham my friend,
9 I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
and will not throw you away.
10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.
11 “See, all your angry enemies lie there,
confused and humiliated.
Anyone who opposes you will die
and come to nothing.
12 You will look in vain
for those who tried to conquer you.
Those who attack you
will come to nothing.
13 For I hold you by your right hand—
I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.
If you read this, please pray for me often and reguarily... just cause I always need it!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
My Heart's Cry
<strong>I Need You To Love Me Lyrics
Artist(Band):Barlow Girl
Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
could cherish me.
Cause you're a God who has all things,
and still you want me.
And I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Yeah, ye-ea-eah
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.
And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to;
oh oh oh oh eo (x4)
Love me, love me, yah
Artist(Band):Barlow Girl
Why? Why are you still here with me?
Didn't you see what I've done?
In my shame I want to run,
And hide myself.
Yeah, but it's here I see the truth,
I don't deserve you.
But I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me
I, I have wasted so much time
Pushing you away from me.
I just never saw how you
could cherish me.
Cause you're a God who has all things,
and still you want me.
And I need you to love me,
And I, I won't keep my heart from you this time.
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Yeah, ye-ea-eah
Your love makes me forget what I have been.
Your love makes me see who I really am.
Your love makes me forget what I have been, oh-oh.
And I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to love me, ye-ea-eah!
And I'll stop this pretending that I can,
Somehow deserve what I already have
Somehow deserve what I already have
I need you to love me, yeah
I need you to;
oh oh oh oh eo (x4)
Love me, love me, yah
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Sindy land
Ministry is an interesting subject...one that I am not sure I can flesh out in an email or even in an hour talk. I will try though. I have a great job here. I don't have to fight for much except with parents from time to time... i dislike most adults I have learned as they make life harder than it needs to be. (Me inculded) Ha ha! Its not a normal run you off your feet youth position... I work 40 hrs max a week usually. We have full youth once every two weeks, missions training running for 6 months on the opposite week and with nothing really in the summer except Creation Fest. Sounds nice huh?? And I am allowed to drink alcohol and show just about any movie I want. Its a different world I am living in thats for sure. They trust me immensely, they give me almost everything I ask for, I never have to ask for a raise, they put up with me emotions, I take time off and no one keeps track, I can drink alcohol and show any movie I want. The council asked for requests for extra money they have received. I put a bunch of suggests in thinking I would get one or two and they gave me all of them… its crazy. No one on council or staff is ever questioning me or asking for a list of how I spend my time… they paid for counseling for me. Every review I have had has been to encourage me and make sure I am happy. Now the ministry side of things is different but I am quite thankfully in awe of the job portion.
I m learning to not take things so seriously... failing miserably by the way. To allow kids the freedom to misbehave a little so they actually get a chance to live and not be pinned down by so many rules. To say is it really the end of the world if so and so falls into this or that... probably not... they'll learn the hard way just like me. My church is teaching me about the importance of living in grace and not morality, to look after the enviroment to be a witness, that social justice is as important as evangelism and that salvation is a today thing not just about eternity. Personally, I am finding that life is about simple trust in God, prayer, loving people and keeping it simple and fun-ish... not much else matters. My days of keeping myself insanely busy are over for now...it really doesn't matter if the database system is up to date or my filing is done or the youth closet is organized... spending good time with God and people is what brings me joy and the rests rarley gets noticed by anyone else. Acrually I prett much stopped doing lots of admin things and no one said a word. The best thing I have done for myself and others was to stop playing ministry like a business and live off this one question..."If Jesus had my life, my talents, my personality, etc what would he do with it?" It has wrecked me though... both in a good way and in a way that has me in perpetual struggle.
To be honest I am sort of bored of youth ministry... the fundraisers, the youth conferences, the parent's meeting, what should the small group discussions be about this year, fall camp planning, missions trips... its the same over and over. The challenge is waning for me. I question the effectiveness of all these things in my church. So much admin time for such a small amout of event time. Paying someone to look after the youth when the whole church should be investing in those little lives. So much run off talent and charisma.
Not to mention for a completely human view, I miss the days of being the one looking to the leader and having the fun. I would love to be out from under the microscope, not over worrying about negative comments made and not having youth ministry be the topic of all my face to face conversations.
Boy I sound whiny.... hee hee. I am not sure where all these feelings are going.... either I need an attitude adjustment... if so I am sure God's gentle kick in the backside is coming soon. Or I need a change of some sort.... I miss feeling really passionate about ministry and being a part of something that seems so big that only God could be doing it. I find church to be run mostly in man's strength and i miss the awe of watching the Holy Spirit doing wonderous things in a group of people. People hearing God ask them to do risky things and instead of oragnizing a committee to logically decline it.... just jump into obedience. I haven't been in a church enviroment fora long while that prays more than talking about desicions.... actually they rarely pray... mostly we just work. I miss spending hours praying with someone in need... waiting with them until God reveals something. I miss seeing people find real freedom not the kind they manufacture out of their own self will... true healing.
Wow this is sounding really depressing.... Really I am not. I am just longing... longing for more... more of something that is real and powerful. Does this make any sense? I often think I should take a break but then the next day something happens where I think I must be crazy to leave such a good job. Also I have no idea what else to do. I am not scared... if God told me to go.. I'd be gone. Actuallty i have tried a few times already but I am still here. So instead I wait... trusting God is orchestrating something grand no matter where it is. I'd would like to travel and laugh more... those are my only present goals other than be still and know He is God. Maybe I will end up being wild and give up my job to bum around europe as a nanny or something equally and gloriously dull. God knows.
I m learning to not take things so seriously... failing miserably by the way. To allow kids the freedom to misbehave a little so they actually get a chance to live and not be pinned down by so many rules. To say is it really the end of the world if so and so falls into this or that... probably not... they'll learn the hard way just like me. My church is teaching me about the importance of living in grace and not morality, to look after the enviroment to be a witness, that social justice is as important as evangelism and that salvation is a today thing not just about eternity. Personally, I am finding that life is about simple trust in God, prayer, loving people and keeping it simple and fun-ish... not much else matters. My days of keeping myself insanely busy are over for now...it really doesn't matter if the database system is up to date or my filing is done or the youth closet is organized... spending good time with God and people is what brings me joy and the rests rarley gets noticed by anyone else. Acrually I prett much stopped doing lots of admin things and no one said a word. The best thing I have done for myself and others was to stop playing ministry like a business and live off this one question..."If Jesus had my life, my talents, my personality, etc what would he do with it?" It has wrecked me though... both in a good way and in a way that has me in perpetual struggle.
To be honest I am sort of bored of youth ministry... the fundraisers, the youth conferences, the parent's meeting, what should the small group discussions be about this year, fall camp planning, missions trips... its the same over and over. The challenge is waning for me. I question the effectiveness of all these things in my church. So much admin time for such a small amout of event time. Paying someone to look after the youth when the whole church should be investing in those little lives. So much run off talent and charisma.
Not to mention for a completely human view, I miss the days of being the one looking to the leader and having the fun. I would love to be out from under the microscope, not over worrying about negative comments made and not having youth ministry be the topic of all my face to face conversations.
Boy I sound whiny.... hee hee. I am not sure where all these feelings are going.... either I need an attitude adjustment... if so I am sure God's gentle kick in the backside is coming soon. Or I need a change of some sort.... I miss feeling really passionate about ministry and being a part of something that seems so big that only God could be doing it. I find church to be run mostly in man's strength and i miss the awe of watching the Holy Spirit doing wonderous things in a group of people. People hearing God ask them to do risky things and instead of oragnizing a committee to logically decline it.... just jump into obedience. I haven't been in a church enviroment fora long while that prays more than talking about desicions.... actually they rarely pray... mostly we just work. I miss spending hours praying with someone in need... waiting with them until God reveals something. I miss seeing people find real freedom not the kind they manufacture out of their own self will... true healing.
Wow this is sounding really depressing.... Really I am not. I am just longing... longing for more... more of something that is real and powerful. Does this make any sense? I often think I should take a break but then the next day something happens where I think I must be crazy to leave such a good job. Also I have no idea what else to do. I am not scared... if God told me to go.. I'd be gone. Actuallty i have tried a few times already but I am still here. So instead I wait... trusting God is orchestrating something grand no matter where it is. I'd would like to travel and laugh more... those are my only present goals other than be still and know He is God. Maybe I will end up being wild and give up my job to bum around europe as a nanny or something equally and gloriously dull. God knows.
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