Am I Spider Man?

So I am leading my youth group through the theme of "You Don't Need a Cape to be a Hero". We have been watching clips from Super Hero movies and discussing different topics in small groups.

Side Note: For those who don't know, watching movies is a very sacred space for me. I find comfort, understanding and insight for life through them. Its the place where I hear from God the most... yes even more than at church. So I tend to retreat to them when I am in need or I head by my lonesome to the threatre for a date night with the Big Guy or as Cara and I renamed him Guido (long story and only amusing to us).

So anyway, yesterday I was sitting in my living room looking for the right clip for my small group discussion next week. I vaguely remebered that the second spiderman movie had something simliar to what I was looking for. So I plugged it in and began to watch it.

As I watched it, I don't think I have ever connected and identified with a main character before as I did with Peter. I have been struggling for months about how to be both Sindy the person and Pastor Sindy. Giving of my time, my life, etc to ministry has definately limited my own life. I had no idea what this sacrifice would mean - I somehow naively assumed that serving God would bring a natural satisfaction. Not that it doesn't bring some satisfaction but the scarifice lately seems really large with little pay off. Sigh... this is hard to explain and sounds really selfish and whiny but there is so much more to it.

In the movie, Peter was having a hard time keeping his regular job and relationships because being Spiderman was really interfering with them. The friciton came from wanting something for himself and giving up everything for the sake of others. I have felt this way often in the last few months. I spent a majority of my time investing in other people's families and other people's lives... hoping to make their lives better and more understandable. I love doing this but the truth is I am starting to notice that no one is really investing that way in me. So my output level is much higher than my input level. I have future visions of these happy big families meeting together and then envision myself old, alone and forgotten. I don't want to look back on my life and wish I had enoyed my own life more. I know investing in eternal things is much better than the temporary ones of this world. But I guess I would still honestly like something of my own. I believe that people are important and thus why I want to remain someone who continues to walk through the messiness of life with them. But when do I become important enough to get some of my own happiness back? I guess I shouldn't complain as I have shelter and food and enough to live comfortably but it seems so oridnary. We are promised a full and abudant life right?

I am not sure if this selfish thought process comes from being at a job where I am finding little meaning or community. Maybe it has been an underlying problem for a while... an unhealthly identity based too much in helping others. Is it a sign that my relationship with God is not in a great place or is it something else...I am unsure. Is it still apart of grieving the lose of my great youth group from Parkdale that would be an amazing young adults minstry by now. These people who are still family but distance definately interfers.

I did not find the answer as I watched the movie but enjoyed watching another person (even though fictional) go through the same emotions. He somehow found how to be both Peter Parker and Spiderman... but I didn't find tha movie explined how very well. Maybe he just gave into being Spiderman. Can I be both Sindy and Spindy-man? Lol corny i know! If I do will I find both meaning and joy? These are the questions that plague me as I wonder what to do next.

A Week of Food

I have had a yummy week - great food and great company. I love one on one meetings so much!! I should get to do them more. I especially loved eating Thai tonight... mmmmm green curry. This may seem like a silly post but really these things are bringing a smile to my face. That smile has been missing for almost 2 months. YAY for smiles.

A Prophet without Honour

Mark 6
A Prophet Without Honor
1Jesus left there and went to his hometown, accompanied by his disciples. 2When the Sabbath came, he began to teach in the synagogue, and many who heard him were amazed. "Where did this man get these things?" they asked. "What's this wisdom that has been given him, that he even does miracles! 3Isn't this the carpenter? Isn't this Mary's son and the brother of James, Joseph, Judas and Simon? Aren't his sisters here with us?" And they took offense at him. 4Jesus said to them, "Only in his hometown, among his relatives and in his own house is a prophet without honor." 5He could not do any miracles there, except lay his hands on a few sick people and heal them. 6And he was amazed at their lack of faith.

Jesus Sends Out the Twelve
Then Jesus went around teaching from village to village. 7Calling the Twelve to him, he sent them out two by two and gave them authority over evil[ spirits. 8These were his instructions: "Take nothing for the journey except a staff—no bread, no bag, no money in your belts. 9Wear sandals but not an extra tunic. 10Whenever you enter a house, stay there until you leave that town. 11And if any place will not welcome you or listen to you, shake the dust off your feet when you leave, as a testimony against them." 12They went out and preached that people should repent. 13They drove out many demons and anointed many sick people with oil and healed them.

I understand this passage. I teach teens... and often they do not listen or even show an interest in listening. Their faces say without words, "Who is this old person who thinks she can speak anything into my life?!" But it is comforting that even Jesus is unable to do things because of a lack of faith. This was uplifting.

Then I felt the Holy Spirit say but what about when I come to you and find you not or unwilling to listen. OUCH but so true. I ponder about my own life and the lack of faith that resides in me. It is scary. Do I resist God so that He is unable to move in or through my life? This has been a question I have been avoiding for months as I am not sure I want to know the answer or that I already do but do not want to face the solution. Sigh...

The call of God many times in the Bible and especially in this passage is to let go of possesions and status and go where I tell. Your relatives and long time friends may think you are out of your mind... NO FAMILY UNDERSTANDING. Take nothing abut a staff - no food... NO FOOD. Rely on others for hospitality... NO HOUSE. Leave when you are not welcome... NO HOME. Preach repentence... NO FRIENDS (kidding). Drive out demons and heal the sick... Well this part is pretty cool but I have yet to see it. Yet if you do manage to do it there is NO HIDING. You will become known and watched and analysed and criticised and gossiped about.
I heard this man preach named Shane Claibourne. He has given his whole life to God somewhat like Mother Theresa. He has chosen to live with the homeless and be imprisoned with and for them. He has served the dying to return their dignity. He has travelled and stayed in Iraq to offer families there some fun and relief from the war. His life is extraoridinary to me but it stings me as well. I have a DVD of him speaking and I have watched it too many times to count. I feel challenged and scared and so uncertain about what I am doing and what I should be doing, etc... in a good way though BUT STILL SCARY.

Am i willing to walk away from my career as a fisher person which is comfortbale and supports my needs to serve Him more freely? Give up the comfort of family, house, home, friends and possessions to follow him? Or am I the rich young ruler who wanted to follow but not at the full cost? These are tough questions for me. I want to be involved in meaning and true passion for God's kingdom. I know there is joy there that none of the above could produce. I want to say YES with all my heart. There is another part of me that says NO at the same time. That means letting go of safety and maybe being responsible (atleast in worldy terms)... the safety of having money to pay for rent, food and my car... the safety of having people's approval and not feeling scorn... the safety of being able to provide for myself. Giving up that safety to fully rely on God as it says in Matthew 6...

25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

I am willing to give some of my life. I have given up home, family and friends. I am not sure I can give up the financial security though. This pains me because it feels like a barrier. Is it an unhealthy tie to things that are not eternal? There is always frustration when you hold on when you need to let go. AHHHHHH. I guess I will be journeying a while with this one as no true peaceful answer seems to be flashing ahead of me.

ok I had to leave for a few hours..

Super side note: I had a meeting with a youth pastor that I am mentoring! I loved it. I always love encouarging and challenging people while still doing the same to me. YAY! God you know this about me and made me this way. How can I do this more?

Oh and another thing... Faye sent me these two things to compare and contemplate so I need to post it here...

First Day of the Rest of Your Life - MXPX
Not a lot right now makes sense to me.And I won't go quietly. Not a lot right now makes sense to me.And I won't sit patiently.I'm gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them.I'm gonna find you somehow, someway, somewhere, someday.First day of the rest of our lives.I miss you already.The last time I'll see that look in your eyes.I miss you already.First day of the rest of our lives.I miss you already.The last time I'll see that look in your eyes.I miss you already.
I don't wanna spend the rest of my life alone.Where's life taking me?I don't wanna spend the rest of my life aloneAlways travelling.I'm gonna chase my dreams and catch up to them.I'm gonna find you somehow, someway, somewhere, someday.I wanna love my job.I wanna love my life.But most of all I wanna fall in love.

and...

Jeremiah 1
1 The words of Jeremiah son of Hilkiah, one of the priests at Anathoth in the territory of Benjamin. 2 The word of the LORD came to him in the thirteenth year of the reign of Josiah son of Amon king of Judah, 3 and through the reign of Jehoiakim son of Josiah king of Judah, down to the fifth month of the eleventh year of Zedekiah son of Josiah king of Judah, when the people of Jerusalem went into exile.
The Call of Jeremiah
4 The word of the LORD came to me, saying,
5 "Before I formed you in the womb I knew [a] you, before you were born I set you apart; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
6 "Ah, Sovereign LORD," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."
7 But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. 8 Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.
9 Then the LORD reached out his hand and touched my mouth and said to me, "Now, I have put my words in your mouth. 10 See, today I appoint you over nations and kingdoms to uproot and tear down, to destroy and overthrow, to build and to plant."
11 The word of the LORD came to me: "What do you see, Jeremiah?" "I see the branch of an almond tree," I replied.
12 The LORD said to me, "You have seen correctly, for I am watching [b] to see that my word is fulfilled."
13 The word of the LORD came to me again: "What do you see?" "I see a boiling pot, tilting away from the north," I answered.
14 The LORD said to me, "From the north disaster will be poured out on all who live in the land. 15 I am about to summon all the peoples of the northern kingdoms," declares the LORD. "Their kings will come and set up their thrones in the entrance of the gates of Jerusalem; they will come against all her surrounding walls and against all the towns of Judah.
16 I will pronounce my judgments on my people because of their wickedness in forsaking me, in burning incense to other gods and in worshiping what their hands have made.
17 "Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. 18 Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land—against the kings of Judah, its officials, its priests and the people of the land. 19 They will fight against you but will not overcome you, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD.