Am I Spider Man?

So I am leading my youth group through the theme of "You Don't Need a Cape to be a Hero". We have been watching clips from Super Hero movies and discussing different topics in small groups.

Side Note: For those who don't know, watching movies is a very sacred space for me. I find comfort, understanding and insight for life through them. Its the place where I hear from God the most... yes even more than at church. So I tend to retreat to them when I am in need or I head by my lonesome to the threatre for a date night with the Big Guy or as Cara and I renamed him Guido (long story and only amusing to us).

So anyway, yesterday I was sitting in my living room looking for the right clip for my small group discussion next week. I vaguely remebered that the second spiderman movie had something simliar to what I was looking for. So I plugged it in and began to watch it.

As I watched it, I don't think I have ever connected and identified with a main character before as I did with Peter. I have been struggling for months about how to be both Sindy the person and Pastor Sindy. Giving of my time, my life, etc to ministry has definately limited my own life. I had no idea what this sacrifice would mean - I somehow naively assumed that serving God would bring a natural satisfaction. Not that it doesn't bring some satisfaction but the scarifice lately seems really large with little pay off. Sigh... this is hard to explain and sounds really selfish and whiny but there is so much more to it.

In the movie, Peter was having a hard time keeping his regular job and relationships because being Spiderman was really interfering with them. The friciton came from wanting something for himself and giving up everything for the sake of others. I have felt this way often in the last few months. I spent a majority of my time investing in other people's families and other people's lives... hoping to make their lives better and more understandable. I love doing this but the truth is I am starting to notice that no one is really investing that way in me. So my output level is much higher than my input level. I have future visions of these happy big families meeting together and then envision myself old, alone and forgotten. I don't want to look back on my life and wish I had enoyed my own life more. I know investing in eternal things is much better than the temporary ones of this world. But I guess I would still honestly like something of my own. I believe that people are important and thus why I want to remain someone who continues to walk through the messiness of life with them. But when do I become important enough to get some of my own happiness back? I guess I shouldn't complain as I have shelter and food and enough to live comfortably but it seems so oridnary. We are promised a full and abudant life right?

I am not sure if this selfish thought process comes from being at a job where I am finding little meaning or community. Maybe it has been an underlying problem for a while... an unhealthly identity based too much in helping others. Is it a sign that my relationship with God is not in a great place or is it something else...I am unsure. Is it still apart of grieving the lose of my great youth group from Parkdale that would be an amazing young adults minstry by now. These people who are still family but distance definately interfers.

I did not find the answer as I watched the movie but enjoyed watching another person (even though fictional) go through the same emotions. He somehow found how to be both Peter Parker and Spiderman... but I didn't find tha movie explined how very well. Maybe he just gave into being Spiderman. Can I be both Sindy and Spindy-man? Lol corny i know! If I do will I find both meaning and joy? These are the questions that plague me as I wonder what to do next.