Trusting in the Silence and Pain

Over a month ago I had a dream that left my heart unsettled. Brought up mostly good things from the past that left nothing but question marks. I have been struggling with these thoughts for too long. I desperately trust God but He is so mysterious sometimes and it makes me wonder about our hearts desires, his desires and timing. Anyway this song and then following verse settled my heart enough to try to keep focus on Him. To put those big things in His hands and continue to learn to trust more... even if it only lasts for a few minutes.

I Believe In Love

By the Barlow Girls

How long will my prayers seem unanswered?

Is there still faith in me to reach the end?

I'm feeling doubt I'm losing faith

But giving up would cost me everything

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

Though I can't see my stories ending

That doesn't mean the dark night has no end

It's only here that I find faith

And learn to trust the one who writes my days

So I'll stand in the pain and silence

And I'll speak to the dark night

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe

No dark can consume Light

No death greater than this life

We are not forgotten

Hope is found when we say

Even when He is silent

I believe in the sun even when it's not shining

I believe in love even when I don't feel it

And I believe in God even when He is silent

And I, I believe.

Luke 12:22-29 (The Message)
Steep Yourself in God-Reality

22-24He continued this subject with his disciples. "Don't fuss about what's on the table at mealtimes or if the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your inner life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the ravens, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, carefree in the care of God. And you count far more.

25-28"Has anyone by fussing before the mirror ever gotten taller by so much as an inch? If fussing can't even do that, why fuss at all? Walk into the fields and look at the wildflowers. They don't fuss with their appearance—but have you ever seen color and design quite like it? The ten best-dressed men and women in the country look shabby alongside them. If God gives such attention to the wildflowers, most of them never even seen, don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you?

29-32"What I'm trying to do here is get you to relax, not be so preoccupied with getting so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep yourself in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met. Don't be afraid of missing out. You're my dearest friends! The Father wants to give you the very kingdom itself.

The Joy Of the Contemplative Life

Lately, I am experiencing true and overwhelming bursts of joy. This joy is not just from happy moments but a delight in what God is up to overall. It comes from living in the present as much as possible so that I can experience God's presence. As I do my gratitude has increased substantially and my desire for more lessens. The author Mark Yaconelli has really encouraged me into this space. Well actually his son's story (4 year old) actually started this life changing journey. It is worth the read so here is the link.

http://www.ymsp.org/resources/slowclub.html

Here are some quotes from his book Contemplative youth ministy that best describe what is going on within me...

"Contemplation means "being" with God within the reality of the present moment. Contemplation is about presence. It's about attentiveness - opening our eyes to God, ourselves and others. Contemplation is an attitude of the heart, an all embracing hospitality to what is. Contemplation is a natural human disposition. It's the way in which we appoached the world as children: vulnerable, open , and awake to the newness of the present moment.

We've all experienced being contemplatively present. Even as our adult minds become distracted and burdened with worry, we still receive times of contemplation, times of simple presence. These are unrehearsed moments when a deep sense of gratitude falls upon us and we find ourselves without need or want, satisfied and reverent at the Mystery of life. They are moments when we feel alive to people and situations before us. Like love, contemplative awareness is not something we acheive; rather it comes as a gift, simply to be received.

Ignatius of Loyola reffered to contemplation as "seeing God in all things." Brother Lawerence called it "the pure loving gaze that finds God everywhere." Jean Pierre de Causade defined contemplation as "the sacrament of the present moment." Teresa of Avila referred to this experience as "Awareness absorbed and amazed."

...These definitions of contemplation, I believe, are descriptions of how Jesus was present to others. He engaged people with openness and honesty, unafraid to take a "long loving look at the real" - at the people and situations he encountered."

The best part is God has always been nudging me into this sweet spot. Every year, my dry and weary body is dragged to someone that offers this contemplative drink but every year I have wandered away again. The past couple years God has kept me in it for longer and longer periods. This past year, I have not sucumbed to absolute burn out because of it. It is the key to life in my opinion. It is to be led by the Spirit, to rely on God's strength and to rest in stillness before the ONE.

I still have moments when I am distracted, start to falter and feel the stress and anxiety return. I have become so aware of the difference that it does not take long to stop what I am doing because I know something is wrong and refocus on God. Like Mark says " being aware of God in the present moment is always a struggle. We live a complex age that demands that we multi-task. We grow up trained to attend to many commitments at once. Our minds and imaginations often drift toward the future or dwell in the past. Yet is there any greater gift we experience in this life than that of another person's full attention? Is there anything more loving than to be fully see or heard by another? Didn't most of us become Christians when we sensed that God was present to us?"

I wish I was better at not getting distracted but I take encouragement from some wise words given to me from Amy..."i got real encouragement from psalm 23 again this weekend that just came to mind that may help... just concerning any kind of shadows in life...the message was about how they are always going to be there. and the object was not to get rid of them or try to control them (striving to figure out the unknown) but rather once again about looking to the shepherd that leads us to righteousness. and shadows always look and appear way bigger then they actually are...which is just a lie." It is all about seeing that He is God and I am not.
"The more we receive in silent prayer, the more we can give in our active life. We need silence to be able to touch souls. The essential thing is not what we say, but what God says to us and through us. All our words are useless unless they come from within. Words which do not give the Light of Christ increase the darkness." Mother Teresa of Calcutta